Intimacy.
“Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other.” – Rilke, poet
Solitude to me, has for a long time, been the time spent where I am most intimate with myself. Simply put, to be intimate is “to make the innermost known,” to portray “the truth about who one really is” (Cassidy, J., Truth, lies, and intimacy: An attachment perspective, 2001).
The Holy Spirit, God Himself, resides within my heart always, but when I enter into a safe place where I dedicate my full attention to seeking Him with my mind, body, and soul fully integrated, I feel a special invitation to enter into His peaceful, Almighty presence. In that safe place, everything I am and everything He allows for me to understand about myself, my surroundings is exposed.
I’m going to expose the reality a bit and say it as it is, this summer there have been many days where I catch myself saying things like, “I really don’t like myself right now…if I were a new person meeting me, I don’t know if I’d want to be my friend.” Not that I was being led by pleasures of the flesh, but nothing I did seemed to be done as a servant of the Lord Most High would present before their King, nothing seemed to have purpose. Very little was done with joyous laughter, with complete dedication, or with a sense of coming together as a band of His Family to secure His will in our actions.
I don’t like who I am, when I am not who I am in Christ Jesus.
“You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar…for you created my inmost being” (Psalm 139:2,13).
This inmost being, is said to have meant (to Hebrews): the seat of sensation and feeling, of desire and longing (“The Treasury of David” Commentaries).
My feelings, desires, and longings are always known by God, who formed me; yet, I am most reflective in processing them with Him when I am in solitude. Therefore, it can be said that intimacy with the Lord is the only intimacy I have explored on a regular basis up until recently.
This summer, God introduced a brother in Christ into my life. Within the first few meetings, he cried in front of me, and ever since, I continued dialogue with God and with peers, mentors, and books alike to explore loving him fully, appropriately.
A (desired) need to understand the labeled and unlabeled boundaries became a distraction for me, and I never fully lived up to my potential in serving him as the Lord pressed on my heart. Our friendship never really deepened with any new found knowledge of eachother’s true selves, but still, just having him present was my motivation to discover the real me, to acknowledge my own feelings.
I do think that in relationship with those whom we trust–God, ourselves, family, spouses, children, mentors, and friends–we are meant to grow in an outward expression of our genuine selves. Up until living in New Orleans, I never had a problem with this. Ironically enough, as I studied and analyzed every single possible and real interaction between this new friend and I, I found myself muting my voice. With others here too, I have confined my true self to the image they initially label me as.
I am not okay with this.
So, to this friend, I am thankful. For several years now I have cried countless tears for a friend, a stranger; I have carried burdens to the cross that are not my own; I have sobbed when I’ve been overwhelmed, but unable to express the feeling or find resolve; I have “protected” myself from feeling for too long. Enough is enough. I’ve been living as if mercy isn’t relevant in my own life, and that is not okay.
His freedom to express and his willingness to withdraw, process, and speak with wisdom at the appropriate time (if the appropriate time exists) has established in me the ability to withdraw, process, and speak with wisdom at the appropriate time (if the appropriate time exists). I am still learning, but am a willing participant in this path of sensing my own connection to Christ’s connection to what is all around me.
I feel my feelings, I’m no longer numb. This memory of mine better not suppress anything more, for I have a life that belongs to the Lord and I want to be able to tell its’ stories.
For the relationships that God intends to grow in my present and future, I look forward to truly acknowledging their presence, as they are in Christ, as we–two emotionally-led, attachment-seeking, passionate to seek purpose individuals–live united together.
To brush up against one another, to stimulate the growth, and trust in Your steadfast love. Be our calm Lord, as You promise. This is my prayer I lift up to You tonight. Might we trust so deeply in Your promises, that we expose our true selves to one another, enabling You to fully use each member of the Body as One. I pray a prayer of blessing over all those whom will honor me by their touch. Guide us, Lord, on a path that pleases You. Might we find ourselves in digging deeper with our toes, reaching higher with our arms, and walking with courage as we provide strength and encouragement to one another as You provide in us. You are our purpose, our motivation, our drive. And with great desire we pursue to love You by loving as You love us, with a great sense of compassion for all Your children. O Israel, let us claim His Kingdom come on earth as it is in Heaven.
This is me, we are exposed as You are present, the innermost being made known for all to see. Praise, praise, we glorify Your name!
gratifying adventure 