Archive for February, 2013

In the Midst of Chaos..

February 25, 2013

Today, the day of my mothers 53rd birthday, the 3rd anniversary since my ski accident that left me handicapped for 14 months…

I finally find myself rested, desiring to continue on with the tasks of which I am responsible of completing in best presenting myself before God’s mission for our partnership.

Nearly three weeks ago I visited two graduate schools–Biola’s School of Rosemead and Fuller Theological Seminary.  The latter proved to be much more than I ever anticipated.  Although both were disappointing in physical discussion settings, the libraries drew the desire out of me to further my academic knowledge.  However, it was in meeting with an ill yet goofy, genius professor and an admissions counselor who also doubles as a minister on the campus that I found myself engaged in a community–desperate to join current research opportunities. I felt motivated…

Upon my return to Colorado, where my life consists of preparation for graduate studies, I found myself bored and ready to study in the classroom setting again.  IT HAS ONLY BEEN 3 MONTHS: I still have 18 moths until the start of my first graduate semester.

A while back I told God “I am ready if you are willing.”  It was in consideration for a romantic relationship, for I desire to engage with someone who will remain invested in where God and I are today and where we will be together concurring the family dynamic in practice (professional therapeutic family and marriage retreat center).  However, now I recognize that high school graduates who do not further their studies often times begin their family life immediately.  Undergraduate students tend to prepare themselves to date with prospects of settling down in the next few years.  But then.. doctorate students (graduating around the age of 28), tend to have too many dreams to settle down immediately.  An elder I used to work for recently said, “You are a doer” and you have too much going on to be in a relationship, “a man wants to be, needs to be your top priority.”  She felt accomplishing studies, travel, and career opportunities is too much to juggle while also committing fully to a budding relationship.  I must say in rationalizing all that will occur in the next 7 years, I have begun to agree, but 28 years old and dating for the first time in a decade… that is a thought I never anticipated as my reality.

I may not be relationship ready, but in terms of readiness for professional clinical practice, I desire to be in the middle of work more than anything at this time.  However, readiness is not simple, and as I approach job opportunities I begin to feel the prospects of work after obtaining my MA, or even better yet my PsyD.  It will be great to not feel limited, to have full freedom in choosing which ad to respond to, to have the skill level required to ship off to Japan to run a clinic in need.  Spontaneity is one of my deepest characteristics that goes untouched while in the states.  For here, I am buried beneath internship reports, graduate applications, academic journal articles (attempting to publish), GRE and PGRE exam prep, language lessons, and loads of books I commit to reading even after losing the interest in reading for fun on top of the required readings.  I feel bored and I have so much going on…doesn’t sound ready to me.  My doctoral program will consist of 5 rigorous years, I am passionate about completing the program to further my ministry and I love learning, but God really does have to do a number on me.  Without Him I would be a fried, shriveled up, scared girl looking out a window, feeling confined to the mounds of work. But WITH God, I am a forgiven daughter of the Highest Majesty.  I am graciously invited to learn, experience, and aid God’s people.

In one week I heard my internship site may be placed on probation, told my roommate I can no longer be a bridesmaid, committed to taking summer school, changed my flight home from Europe to 4 days earlier, agreed to plan and host a bridal shower, had a grant from my university removed from my bank account, amongst the little daily issues.

One of my pastors repeatedly says, “interruptions may be the Author’s invitation.” Welp…my life has been interrupted, and I continue on with this systematic lifestyle of preparation for the known season to come; yet, now, I have something more to live for. I have an invitation, for in this self-serving season of mental tests and preparation I still have a ministry that God has me involved in–a lifetime of service for His greater church.  In preparing to excel in academic rituals, God still invites me to glorify who He is.  God, apart from darkness has invited mankind to experience His great love through a Savior–His Son, Christ Jesus.

No matter the chaos, the bore of life, the length of a desert stay…God remains true.


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